February 28, 2020 3:24 AM
Life is getting stale.
Everything is so repetitive. I’ve lived in the same house my whole life. Always did the same things and went to the same places. For the past 2 years I’ve talked to the same circle of people. I’ve become overly adjusted to living life with my parents and in greensboro.
The kids who are around just don’t give the same energy anymore. I’m off doing my own thing, going to class and chilling at home all day. So is everyone else, in the rare moments we (kids like alberto, tony, jakie) do get together I just don’t get the same enjoyment when hanging out.
Everyday is the same with almost no variation. Go to class, go home either nap, chill, do hw until next class (if I have one), and then just chill until it’s time for bed. I would go back to work at KFT (I haven’t been getting scheduled but can take shifts) . I don’t think I can make time for it because that time could be resting time or productivity time. Weekends include just being in the office and sleeping in along with naps (something has gotta be up, I always have no energy). Classes have gone ok but it’s a little draining, so I’ve tried to look for the social aspect of life to make up for it and keep me sane.
But like I said my social life is almost non-existent. I’ll talk to David, Zeng, and Tony on discord while we play games but nothing will be able to replacement real world interaction with people that actually interest you. Legitimately the only person I’ve been messing with consistently and actually have meaningful conversation with is Anastasia. I would even go as far as saying she’s my best friend, and the bestest of friends I’ve ever had. But even she’s busy most of the time with work, so we don’t get to hang much. I don’t want to include this fact right now and I’ll probably go into more detail later but I had caught feelings for her again. That isn’t the point of this entry though.
The thing I want to outline is my life is progressing slowly and it seems like I’m just in a waiting room to move to Charlotte. Like I’m just sitting there waiting until the moment change will happen. Basically I’m not evolving or growing much and I should be with all this time to myself. It’s time to rethink.
Who is Brandon?
I know this sounds extremely corny and cheesy. But I need to look at who I am right now and what I somewhat in a sense represent. I feel like I’ve given off this quiet yet kind aura. I’ve always had a high moral standing and this makes me seem like the wholesome one in the group. I’m kind of silly at times and am mostly always hyper critical. I’m known for being somewhat knowledgeable in a lot of different things but I’m not a pro in any fields. I could go into so much detail about this but it’s just a little overview to segue into the stuff I actually wanna talk about.
As soon as you get to know me more you’ll start to figure out that I’m extremely lazy. All my school buddies know that I’m an absolute horrible procrastinator (even won a senior superlative for it). They know I never study or really do work on my own accord. But I want to change this perception of me. I want to be known as more studious. A guy who actually puts work in and has good integrity doing stuff on his own accord.
Sometimes when it’s time to be social I just shutdown mentally, like I’m out of energy to talk to anyone. I hate when this happens because I just sit there and exists and contribute nothing to conversation. It feels like wasted opportunity to bond with people. Like I could say more but my body doesn’t have enough energy to. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I was a very open person but I’m just not very outgoing. This might be a confidence thing and me being way too self conscious with everything since day 1. I want to grow as person socially and with other people. To put it in better words I want to be an extrovert. I want to be charismatic, a person that is easily likeable. Not saying I’m not likeable now but I don’t make much of a impression.
Over the past year I’ve been building more on this sense of self independence. I do a lot of things alone and people know that I won’t say much if you don’t say something first. They know I prefer being alone and staying in instead of going out to hang, they know Brandon will be fine if he’s by himself. There’s some power at play there, when you’re dependent on other people it makes you vunerable and they have a small amount of control over you emotionally and socially. But with them knowing you’re mostly independent you get more mobility and high position. This sounds wrong when describing friends but it’s like you don’t need them, they need you. It makes you the dominant one.
Independence has also been growing in a more physical sense at home with my parents. I’ve never liked it when they do things that I’m supposed to do. Like when they clean my bathroom, do my laundry, organize my room, tell me to eat, or a whole bunch of other things. I hate being babied and being ask if I’m hungry and if I have eaten yet. I understand that’s what parents are for but I think I’m to old to be treated like that. If anything they should be scolding me for not doing chores instead of just doing it for me (I do eventually do it, it just takes me awhile to get to it). I’ve been learning to cook sort of prepping myself when for the day when they’re not there to make food for me (I’ll write about this more later). It’s sort of like I want to be roommates with my parents. But with the way asian culture is they’re used to having the kids stay with them after turning 18, I’m so adjusted to the American lifestyle that I’m the one that wants me to move out. Getting a job and having a car so I can go anywhere on my own helped with this a lot. I was doing adult like things and showing them that I’m “grown”. That I can thrive on my own. I know it might sound like I’m being rude but I’m so picky with the way I do things that I’d rather do it myself if it’s a problem. Plus all these things are my responsibility not their’s
I’ve made it a goal to make progress on something everyday. Wether it be school, health, relationships, or even financially. Lazy days need to stop being a trend for me.
**I know this was supposed to be a more casual thing but it’s tiring physically writing with pen and paper. This is just an easier means to write.
Don’t expect this to be formated or have a lot of structure it’s just my train of thought. These aren’t written for an audience only for my present and future self to reflect on. This is the longest post so far, because I had a lot to say and life has become very real. Also in context it’s 4 AM and I have to be up at 8 for class.
